Second chances after cheating: Should you do it?
Second chance after infidelityShould you give them a second chance after cheating?
While the answer to this question depends entirely on the situation, the mere fact that you’re here indicates that you’re considering it, so firstly let’s talk about a few instances in which a second chance after an affair is ill-advised.
They compulsively lied to you
If they compulsively lied to you and snuck around behind your back, while keeping you in the dark about their activities, even when you confronted them point blank, you should definitely not give them a second chance. Why? Because they have no respect for you. A person who respected you would not try to make you doubt your instincts or lie to your face while making you feel stupid and/or crazy for addressing the issue. There is something innately cruel to lying to a person’s face and then accusing them of being invasive and paranoid for figuring out the truth.
If that was the case with you, and you’re even considering taking them back at this point you need to seriously consider the notion that you’re abnormally attracted to parasitic people who don’t have any respect for you.
They’re going to do it again
If you feel like they’re going to do it again, and you don’t want to suffer a repeat of the same infidelity twice, then you’re wasting your time with a second chance. Obviously, a second chance after cheating, requires a belief that it was a one-time affair and won’t be repeated. Generally, it will, and if you can’t deal with that fact, then you’re better off ending the relationship right there.
If you want to give them a second chance, here’s what to do
Address the root cause of the affair
There are several good reasons to give a spouse a second chance after an affair, but only by addressing the root causes and empathizing with the cheater can you truly begin the healing process.
One common reason why otherwise loving and engaged spouses cheat in their marriage is sex addiction. Despite what you may believe, sex addiction is a legitimate psychological issue that has many of the same features as other addictions. Firstly, those who suffer from sex addiction feel ashamed and guilty directly after having sex outside of their marriage, and yet feel compelled to do it. There are support groups based on the 12 step model for those suffering from sex addiction and help is available from counselors and psychologists to break free of the cycle that perpetuates it.
Find a marriage counselor
That brings us to our next point: finding a marriage counselor. If you’re serious about giving them a second chance and not just sweeping the whole thing under the rug, then you’re going to want to find a good marriage counselor to work through the issues in your relationship that caused the affair in the first place.
If both partners are committed to working out their difficulties and saving their marriage, this should be a no brainer. A lot of times, marriage counselors are good sounding boards for learning how to effectively communicate with one another. Particularly, they are good for individuals who still love one another, and yet feel hurt and resentful of behavior that happened in the past. If the marriage is going to be save, then it will require work, and marriage counselors will help with that.
Steps to forgiveness after an affair
How to trust again after an affairLearning to trust again after an affair
Trust and Infidelity
There are several key steps to getting over an affair and learning how to trust again. The most important one, as always, is learning how to forgive yourself for feeling like a fool. If your marriage or a long-term committed relationship ended because of infidelity, then the worst thing that you can do to yourself is blame yourself for your ex’s extramarital activities. No matter what, it wasn’t your fault, and beating yourself up about something you had no real control over will only make matters worse.
There is likely nothing you could have done differently to prevent the infidelity. If your husband or wife felt like you were emotionally distant or cut off, then that’s telling you something too. Likely the relationship had run its course.
It happens often that people like the idea of the relationship more than the relationship itself. They’re afraid of change so even though they’re emotionally distant from their spouse and their relationship kind of sucks, they still fear what the upheaval of a divorce or breakup would bring. In this case, you need to be fair to your spouse. If their not getting what they want from you, they have every right to go seek out a fulfilling relationship with someone else, and it’s on you to fix emotionally what’s wrong in your life to get you to a point where you can have a fulfilling relationship yourself.
This doesn’t excuse their infidelity, but it does explain it. Most marriages end because the spouses take on another for granted. Husbands and wives feel resentful of being trapped in marriages that are either sexually or emotionally unfulfilling. Trust and infidelity generally destroy one another, so here are a few steps you can take for learning to trust again after an affair.
Forgiving a cheater: Be honest with yourself
Forgive yourself, yes, but be honest with yourself as well. Even though infidelity is never the fault of the person being cheated on, you have to be honest about your willingness to commit to a serious relationship like a marriage. Marriages are a give and take and require active involvement from both individuals. If the marriage is too one-sided give-wise, then the other party will seek out what the marriage is supposed to offer from others outside the marriage.
Moving forward after an affair requires a renewed commitment from you in either your marriage or your next relationship not only to forgive yourself and your partner, but also but the effort and the energy into the relationship to make it work.
For some people, the rigors of a marriage become too much. The family life and work are just more effort than a person can give, and the loving bond between husband and wife fall to the wayside and they seek out excitement in other ways, ways that remind them of how things were when they were younger.
When this is the case, whether the marriage can be saved or not, learning to trust again after an affair, will be paramount to the renewed happiness of the individual being cheated on, and whether the marriage can be saved will depend entirely on the circumstances surrounding the cheating. The worst thing you can do is become embittered toward all members of the opposite gender and carry that bitterness around with you for the rest of your life.
3 questions to tell you if you can forgive a cheater
Can you forgive them for cheating?3 questions to ask yourself to determine if you can forgive them for cheating
Forgiving a cheater is tough. Restoring betrayed trust is even harder. More often than not the person cheated on finds themselves in the position of forgiving them again and again. Even when they say that they forgive the person, the relationship is doomed because they no longer trust them. The couple ends up having the same argument over and over. The scars from the affair never heal entirely.
So here are 5 questions that you should ask yourself to determine whether or not you can really forgive their infidelity or not.
What will you do if it happens again?
After a spouse is caught in the act, the other spouse must come to grips with the fact that there is something wrong with the marriage. They blame the spouse. They blame themselves. Seldom does this blame mean much of anything. Spouses cheat for different reasons. Some are just inclined to want multiple lovers in their life but for whatever reason find themselves in committed marriages. Other times they form an emotional bond with someone in close proximity with one. The latter can be far more devastating.
The former is easier to forgive for some reason. Forgiving an affair is never easy but when it’s not person it’s not a reflection on you specifically. They would have done it to anyone. You may feel betrayed at the time and you may not want to be with someone who has extra-marital relationships, but in time the wound fades, and the cheating spouse moves on to relationships that fit their relationship style better.
When you put your foot down and say: “this is the last time,” and proceed as if it’s a fresh start you’re deceiving yourself.
Why did the cheating occur?
In instances where the spouse that was caught cheating is not a serial cheater, there was probably something really broken in the relationship that set off the fair. In this instance forgiving cheating may come in the form of forgiving yourself. Husbands and wives both can be distant and cold sometimes. When you truly love someone you don’t want to subject them to your worst side so you withdraw. But if your spouse doesn’t understand why they may feel like you’re bored with them or no longer love them. Under the right circumstances they could meet someone who fills that void and suddenly an affair happens. It’s not love per se, but a surrogate for love; analogous to what a methadone shot is to a heroin addict. It doesn’t make them feel good, but the pain goes away for awhile.
Forgiving infidelity in this instance may be difficult but it’s many times more likely if they didn’t lie or sneak around behind your back about it.
Did they lie and sneak around behind your back?
This is the most difficult to forgive. Affair forgiveness is predicated on empathizing with offending spouse and a belief that they truly love you. Trust once broken is difficult to rebuild, but it can be done. For instance, sex addicts may sustain healthy relationships after an affair if they can control their addiction. It’s hard to do and requires sacrifice.
What’s impossible to forgive is elaborate lying and sneaking around behind your spouse’s back. If they made you feel like an idiot for believing in them, then there’s little chance you can ever really forgive or trust them again. If that’s the case, you should ask yourself if it’s worth it.
