3 questions to tell you if you can forgive a cheater
Jan 10 2017 11:26 3 mins read
3 questions to ask yourself to determine if you can forgive them for cheating
Forgiving a cheater is tough. Restoring betrayed trust is even harder. More often than not the person cheated on finds themselves in the position of forgiving them again and again. Even when they say that they forgive the person, the relationship is doomed because they no longer trust them. The couple ends up having the same argument over and over. The scars from the affair never heal entirely. So here are 5 questions that you should ask yourself to determine whether or not you can really forgive their infidelity or not.
What will you do if it happens again?
After a spouse is caught in the act, the other spouse must come to grips with the fact that there is something wrong with the marriage. They blame the spouse. They blame themselves. Seldom does this blame mean much of anything. Spouses cheat for different reasons. Some are just inclined to want multiple lovers in their life but for whatever reason find themselves in committed marriages. Other times they form an emotional bond with someone in close proximity with one. The latter can be far more devastating. The former is easier to forgive for some reason. Forgiving an affair is never easy but when it's not person it's not a reflection on you specifically. They would have done it to anyone. You may feel betrayed at the time and you may not want to be with someone who has extra-marital relationships, but in time the wound fades, and the cheating spouse moves on to relationships that fit their relationship style better. When you put your foot down and say: “this is the last time,” and proceed as if it's a fresh start you're deceiving yourself.
Why did the cheating occur?
In instances where the spouse that was caught cheating is not a serial cheater, there was probably something really broken in the relationship that set off the fair. In this instance forgiving cheating may come in the form of forgiving yourself. Husbands and wives both can be distant and cold sometimes. When you truly love someone you don't want to subject them to your worst side so you withdraw. But if your spouse doesn't understand why they may feel like you're bored with them or no longer love them. Under the right circumstances they could meet someone who fills that void and suddenly an affair happens. It's not love per se, but a surrogate for love; analogous to what a methadone shot is to a heroin addict. It doesn't make them feel good, but the pain goes away for awhile. Forgiving infidelity in this instance may be difficult but it's many times more likely if they didn't lie or sneak around behind your back about it.
Did they lie and sneak around behind your back?
This is the most difficult to forgive. Affair forgiveness is predicated on empathizing with offending spouse and a belief that they truly love you. Trust once broken is difficult to rebuild, but it can be done. For instance, sex addicts may sustain healthy relationships after an affair if they can control their addiction. It's hard to do and requires sacrifice. What's impossible to forgive is elaborate lying and sneaking around behind your spouse's back. If they made you feel like an idiot for believing in them, then there's little chance you can ever really forgive or trust them again. If that's the case, you should ask yourself if it's worth it.